Monster

I looked at her, and she just looked away.  I am so tired of her looking away from me. She never looks at me and when she does? Her eyes are filled with hatred and disdain. I've never seen them filled with any semblance of love for me. That little bitch, my angel, that whore…she was -- she is everything.  I've known her my whole life, loved her as long as she's been alive but she doesn't care. Oh no, she's never cared.

They call me a monster, you know. Ha ha, what is a monster? How do they define such a thing? By a love they cannot understand, by the actions taken by a desperate man. They don't see, how could they? They don't see that if anyone is a monster here, it is her! It's her that's turned me into what I am, it was the love of her that drove me to do these things! These horrible actions, these things that make them call me a monster! They don't know, they don't know!

She's looking at me now, there are tears brimming in her eyes. Please angel, please don't cry. Please don't be sad, I didn't mean to do this to you, I swear I didn't mean it! She's telling me all those things again, oh please don't let her keep going…she's telling me how she's let him touch her, how he's everything I'll never be. How she loves him and how she hates me. Please, just make her stop. Make her shut up, I can't take it anymore! Be quiet! Stop talking about him! Just -- JUST STOP IT!

And I can hear the slap. I can see her fall to the ground, her white hair trailing behind her, it's so beautiful but…She looks up at me, the bruise is already forming, angry and red on her cheek…

Oh angel, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I really didn't mean it. You shouldn't have said those things, really you shouldn't. And she gets to her feet now, what is she doing? She's crying again, please angel, don't cry, don't cry, I didn't mean to hurt you again… She doesn't know, you don't know, no one knows how much it hurts me when I hurt her! It hurts so much that I feel like someone is ripping a hole in my chest and I hate to do it but she won't shut up!

I love her so much, but she doesn't understand. I wish she would. She doesn't know what it was like, watching her, keeping her safe from all of those people who were going to hurt her… I'm one of those people, oh God, I wish I could have protected her from myself but I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay away from her. I'm not the monster, don't you see? Don't you understand? She is, my angel, the little whore, that bitch, she's the monster! Not me! Not me! I'm just in love, don't you see?

She glares at me and tells me how much she hates me again. She tells me that I'm  horrible, that she wishes I would die and I wish I could. I wish I could die right there. I tell her, I tell her so many times that I love her, I love her and I don't want to hurt her and she tells me to let her go. But she doesn't understand, I can't let her go. I just can't. If I let her go, I would die. I don't want to die. I want to let her go , I want her to be happy, but I just can't live without her!  I wish I could.

I want to hold her close, I wrap my arms around her and she screams. She cries for me to get away, not to touch her,  her tiny fists beat against me, but I can't let her go. I feel the tears start rolling down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, angel, please forgive me. I didn't mean to, I didn't! I love you, I love you!"

She shakes her head and tries to shove me away, but I know she's to weak to get away anymore…I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to make her like this, but I had to do it. I had to, I couldn't let her get away.  

"No!" I hate it when she raises her voice like this and it breaks and it's filled with anger and hate and it kills me. "You don't love me! You're not capable of love! LET GO!"

I hate it when she says that. Everyone tells me that I'm not capable of love…for anyone else, it would be true. But for my angel, it's different. I can love her, I feel so much for her. Jealousy, anger, love and misery. They exist solely for her… And it's these feelings, these alien things that flutter in my chest, coil in the pit of my stomach, ache in my throat, these things that made me into what all of them  call a monster.

They call me these things, they tell me I'm bad, tell me I'm a monster, but they've never felt what I felt. Never ever ever have they felt so much love that it hurts. They don't know.

"Angel, please don't, don't act like this…you…you know I love you. You know I can love you!"

And she glares at me, eyes narrowed in disgust and she looks at me and she says, "Monsters can't love anyone!"

I let her go, pushing her away, recoiling from the sting. She knows just what to say, doesn't she. I can feel the tears stinging in my eyes, the ache in my throat from the sobs that I won't let escape… I'm backing away from her slowly, shaking my head.

"I'm not. I'm not a monster…"

"Yes you are!" She shouts, the red on her cheek is fading, but there's purple beneath it now. "You're a monster! You took me away from my family! You took me away from my friends! You took me away from everything!" There are tears streaming down her cheeks and her voice is tight from crying "I HATE YOU!"

It all happens so quickly, I don't even realize it's happening. Just like always. I'm grabbing her wrist, pulling her towards me, violently bringing our lips together and some part of me screams not to do it, but everything else tells me to keep going. She's screaming, the sound is muffled, I almost can't hear it, she's squirming wildly, beating on my shoulders, but I can't let her go.

I must be a monster.